my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
40s are totally the cure
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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