Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i was born a porn star she said
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
