overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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