Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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