I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
