Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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