He disabled his match.com account in front of me
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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