So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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