The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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