I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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