I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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