a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
