I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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