Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
