At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
