Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
being pregnant is like rehab
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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