The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize