Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
