you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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