Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
