I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
