The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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