Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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