marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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