dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
