Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
