so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
