The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
