first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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