I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
