just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
