I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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