Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
