You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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