i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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