If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
