You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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