Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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