end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize