In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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