why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
