I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize