He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Randomize
