I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
