Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize