Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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