Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Im just a social blackout drinker.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
