i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
