I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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