I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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