Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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