Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
