I faked an abortion last night.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize