i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My vagina is very pro this idea
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
