Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
