he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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