i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
