Duck Duck Cougar?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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