He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
