Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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