It's Friday. Sex?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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